I have debated and debated with myself over whether or not I would write this post. Since I feel that writing has been somewhat healing to me I'm going to do it.
Russell and I are parting ways. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I feel dead inside. Like nothing no longer matters. The littlest things set me off. Like yesterday my son and I were in downtown York and had just returned home. We were driving up the road and for some reason my son mentioned when he first moved here and I got my van that was pulling the Uhaul stuck on the side of the road and then he started running up to the wrong house thinking it was Russells. I managed to maintain my sanity for my son's sake since he does yet know about this situation. I will not be telling him right now.
It's so hard just to function in my daily life. It's like the whole world goes on as normal , yet my world has crashed around me and shattered into a million pieces. It feels like I will never again be happy or anything could possibly ever be the same again. I have had no appetite for days and barely eaten anything. I have slept very little and wish that I could sleep nonstop and just sleep thru this pain until I'm feeling better again. At this time my thoughts are that I never again want to be another relationship because of the hurt when they end.
Russell is trying to be understanding in the best way that he knows how but it's not enough. Just knowing that some day soon will be the last time that I ever see him, hug him or kiss him makes me feel sad beyond anything I've ever felt in my life.
I'm not writing this to make anyone feel depressed but instead to start on my path of healing. Trying to move on is so very hard and causes so much pain in my heart. But I know it's what I need to do.....