Friday, February 15, 2008

Free To Be Me

I just wrote a post and then changed my mind and deleted the whole thing. I find that I have a lot of anger in my heart over things that have happened in the past month. Why I just can't put it behind me, I don't know. I realize it takes time to heal when relationships end and it's not going to happen over night. I need to look on the bright side of things. For one, I am no longer censored as to what I can and can't write on my blog. Yeah, there have been times when I wrote things on here that Russell did not agree with or felt they were too personal I guess and I deleted them just to keep the peace. Looking back I see that it just gave him more power, more control and did not help the situation.
I hope I learned something from my experience of the last 4 years. As the matter of fact I have. I have learned to never again let myself be in a one-sided relationship. Both people in a relationship need to give 100%. It is not beneficial for one partner to do everything for the other and get little back in return. I'm talking about all aspects of the relationship. Nor is it beneficial for me to try to be someone that I'm not. In trying to do this I feel like I lost a part of myself. I found myself losing faith, losing hope and just not caring much about anything.
I'm not saying it was all bad. In fact there were many good times that I won't ever forget. But when you start to forget who you really are and spend all your energy and put in so much effort and don't get the same have to think to yourself is it all worth it? I don't really know the answer to that. I do know that this was something that was meant to happen and maybe I'll end up a better person for having gone thru it all. Those are my thoughts for today and I feel better for having written this.

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