Monday, March 5, 2012
Journey To Self
Once removed from a situation, after some time goes by it is so much easier to look back and see it for what it was. I'm talking about my previous relationship. I had so much stress due to that relationship and it manifested in physical ways. At the time, I thought the cause of it was my job because let's face it, it was a very high stress job but I now realize it was not even that. It got to the point where I had pain in every joint and muscle in my body. I remember going to work for a week straight with migraines. When I went to bed at night, I could not sleep because I had pain in my hips. I would sleep for about 10 or 15 minutes and then have turn turn over and then repeat. I had pain in my shoulders.....at times really severe pain. Even after I quit my job (thinking it would help) I had this pain. This all affected me mentally and I was not a very happy person to be around.
Yet still I tried to make it work. The harder I tried, the worse it seemed to get. Do you know what it feels like to give until you can't give anymore? Well....it kinda feels like being in the middle of the ocean and paddling a canoe and you can't get anywhere. You never get to shore. You paddle and paddle....yet it is futile.
When the person you are with is very self-centered, always puts their needs above what is best for the relationship and does not care in the least about your family it should be a big red flag. Yet I chose to be blind to it.
I made the mistake of going back into that relationship after we ended it the first time after almost 4 years. Evidently I still had more to learn and punish myself some more before I realized that no matter what you do it is not enough. I guess I valued myself so little that I could change myself to what he wanted me to be. During that process, I lost ME. I lost myself. Does that make any sense? I also lost FAITH. Before that relationship I considered myself a spiritual person and slowly but surely.......my life went on this downward spiral.....not because of him but because I let it happen.
Well fast forward to this moment. I have no more pain....physical or mental. I have had a few migraines since I have been here but I know without a doubt that those will be gone too. I know it is time to take care of Me. Taking care of myself right now means that I will never again let any person define who I am. I need to find that out for myself. So that is the journey I am on right now. You are welcome to follow me on my journey to self on this blog.
In Love and Light . Barb