Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Sharing My Thoughts

Anything that I would have written today I wrote to my friend George in an email. I honestly don't think he'd mind if I share it on here since it's so much easier than writing it all out again. I really don't have the energy to do that so I'll just copy and paste the email. This shares what I'm feeling today.

Dear George,
I'm so sorry about your job loss George. I know that you really depend on that money to survive and take care of your sweet daughters. I hope it went well at the Unemployment office for you, I'll be praying for you on this. I was happy to see your email this morning but sad to see what you said.

Funny how life can turn out huh? I often wonder if I'm being punished for leaving my kids in NM. So maybe it's Karma, I don't know. I had a really difficult time last night. I couldn't stop crying in bed and Russell tried to comfort me but really how can he? He said...I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't say anything except for in my head. I wanted to scream at him...Then don't hurt me!...take it all back!. Then I got up and got my son up for school and my son said he was sick and I don't know if he is or not and I did not even have the energy to let it become an issue, I just let him stay home. It's 11:19 am and I just got up at 11 and my son is still sleeping so maybe he is sick. We went to bed really early last night and when we went to bed my son was still up playing Runescape so for all I know, he could have been up all night playing it and maybe he's just exhausted. I just don't know. He is a really great kid, but addicted to that game.

Anyhow back to what I was saying...I got Russell up for work and he did not want to get up and left late again. I was still really upset this morning and I ended up yelling at Russell but after that I told him I was sorry and did it because I was so stressed. He said he understood. Then when he left I went back to sleep and I just wanted to sleep all day. When I woke up I had another crying fit. And I felt mad, really mad. How could he do this to me! I wanted to call him on the phone and say something about it but I stopped myself because it would not do any good. I started feeling sorry for myself and thinking...there is not one damn person in this world that even cares about me. I could drop dead and nobody would care. Then I remembered there is one and that is God. My faith is not what it should be lately. There have been times when I felt very close to God, Jesus, and the Angels but now they seem very far off in the distance. I'm thinking I need to put God first and hand this all over to God. This is such a test of my faith. Hopefully it will make me a stronger person.

You have been here George for some of the hardest times in my life. I'm glad you are back in my life when I really need you to talk to. I hope that our talking can help you in some way in the situation you are going thru also. I love you friend with all my heart.


  1. Crying is good.
    I am glad to hear you have George, and that he is there for you.

    And yes these things do make us stronger, even though it dosnt feel like it at the time.

  2. What casdok said!

    Off to make you a new pan of frosted brownies. Another dose is clearly indicated.