Friday, February 29, 2008

Free Of The Past

Long ago when I was growing up in Gloucester Massachusetts times were very hard. I remember many a winter when it was snowy and freezing and the heat would get cut off. We'd have to lay in bed with blankets and coats piled on ourselves to keep warm. But no matter how hard you tried you couldn't really get warm. This happened many times. At other times the electric would get cut off and we'd be in the dark but that was not as bad as feeling like I was freezing to death.
My stepfather was a fisherman so money depended on the catch and the pay was not steady. I do realize that it was a difficult life to live but it would not have been so bad if he did not stop at the bars when getting in from a trip...buying the rounds and spending much of the money before even going home. There were very many fights when he'd get home late at night, liquor on his breath and staggering in the door. There were late night screaming matches between him and my mother, accusations made, and doors slammed until it all calmed down in the early dark hours of the morning. I'm sure that today that they would both deny this but I remember it just like it was yesterday.
My mother did not work at that time but I realize now that it was not because she did not want to but she had serious mental problems. She did after all try to kill herself twice, once by cutting her wrists and another time by taking pills and having to get her stomach pumped. She probably did the best she knew how at the time but what it all comes down to is that she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. Some people are better off never having kids. I remember one time in particular when I was maybe 5 years old. I was playing with some dolls and asked my mother to play with me. She said that Mommies don't play with kids. Oh really mother? I played with my kids and now I play with my grand kids.
As I mentioned before I did have one stable force in my life. That was my grandparents. They were my sanity. The showed me that life didn't have to be the way we lived it, behind those closed doors....where people actually thought we were a normal family. Thru them I had that feeling of belonging.
I put the past behind me long ago and cut off this toxic relationship. I found out recently they tried to connect with my kids by writing a letter. Well my kids are adults and they can make their own decisions. I will however tell them how it was if they want to know. That way they can base their decisions on facts. They have told me that they never felt comfortable at the home of their grandparents. Kids instinctively know the true nature of people. One of my favorite authors Sylvia Browne, says that people are always saying we need to honor our parents. Well....she says that is simply not true...only honor you parents if they are honorable. I'm right with her on that one.
The best thing that everyone can do is cut out as much negativity as possible out of their lives and surround themselves with positive people. Negative attracts negative just like positive attracts positive.
Blessings All.